When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. – Maya Angelou. I recently had a friend suggest I write on this topic. Even as adults it can be hard not to become offended or carry hurt.
Things that make people go, “OMG, I’m so offended”
- not being invited
- not being included
- body language
- No responses
- a comment
- not returning greeting
- no show
- telling your truth
- eating donuts
A couple months ago, I was in New York with retailers from all over the US. At the top of a 100 story building, all glass windows that over looked New York City, my insides were glowing. Candles and fancy food lit the room. While networking and making connections, I met two ladies who I really loved, both buyers for high-end retailers. Ladies, who I wanted to make an impression on and would be a great contact for Keeps (my full time job). After a lot of small talk, I asked again “how many children” one of them had. Without a breath and in front of a group of people, she said something like, “You obviously are too young to be here because you already asked me that”. I was mortified. (even as I am typing this, I can still feel the horror coming back to me) I gathered myself, said “no problem”, and I walked away.
I couldn’t even focus anymore, how could I even talk to anyone else in the room. I had just been scolded like a teacher would to a little girl by someone I looked up to. I tried to gather myself, brush it off, and do some self-talk that it was a normal mistake anyone would have made. I tried to get myself out of the emotional horror, tell myself to snap out and not let it have ruin the rest of my night. This was very difficult to do seeing that it was one of the highest retailers, LIVE in front of me that I really wanted to connect with. OK, you get the point, it was bad.
About 10 minutes later I saw her walking up to me, and I thought, “oh god, what now”. She pulled me aside apologize for her aggressive behavior and told me she has been trying to get pregnant for many years and is not able to. She said I didn’t deserve her words and asked I forgive her. Well I forgave her, but 100% avoided her for the rest of the night. Insert how to not be offended.
When you really “can’t even”
How to not take it so personally
Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
At my job a lot of families are in crisis, so imagine when you are in crisis and what mood you would be in. Everything would probably set you off, the kindest things may not be said, or might be hypersensitive. While being in this environment, it’s given me a lot of compassion for people that are in tough spot, how not to react, carry ugly words with me or burden people’s actions.
When I was studying speech therapy at Baylor, we learned about the still face experiment. The still face experiment is about how babies are extremely sensitive to your body language and emotions. For example, it’s storming outside, but you’re smiling, laughing, and playing the baby will learn to do the same VS it’s storming and you have full on anxiety, fear, and panic, it will be instilled in the baby to have the same reaction (dogs also pick this up with their owners). Adult life is similar, someone does something that makes you feel offended/hurt, but instead of reacting, you stay calm, positive, hoping they will pick up the same vibe. It’s your choice what you will do with thier actions:
Here are some things I do, when I “can’t even”:
- Understand you have no control over what people choose & say
- lighten the mood, watch how people react when you let things roll off your back
- Realize that people are human and say/do dumb things
- Use the 3 strikes you’re out rule
- 1. Oops, you probably didn’t mean that 2. You might have meant that so let’s talk about that 3. You’re out, hunny.
- Remove toxic people
- Remove them or keeps a close eye. Not everyone is in it to win it for you.
- Be friends with people that cheer you on
- Who doesn’t love a friend that is honest about when you ROCK. I mean come on. If you don’t have friends like that, be a friend that is like “omg your butt looks so good in those jeans”.
- Sometimes it’s YOU not them
- ask yourself if you’re projecting your own feelings on them or if it’s just you.
- Don’t get offended
- Being offended is weak love, the best things you can do is have a good attitude, have grace, and give them space to make their own choice.
- If you’re super hurt
- If you’re super hurt and can’t jump over the hurdle, be honest. Don’t waste anymore time being hurt, get the truth.
If you decide to communicate your hurt:
- Tell them what you noticed
- how it made you feel
- What their actions or words made you think
- What you hope will be different in the future or just your hope in general
Example: I noticed you love rainbows. They make me feel happy & colorful. They make me think that the world is a pretty pretty place. I hope there are rainbows everyday for 100 years.
If they don’t care about your hurt…
Oh bummer, I’m so sorry, find someone that cares. Have them give you a great big hug or a donut.
Until next Monday
Comment below if you would like a post more on spring cleaning/closet organization or if you have a topic idea!